Maybe your first relationship ended in heartache or divorce, or maybe a tragedy or illness
took your first love leaving you alone with your children. No matter the circumstance
your heart opens up once again to fully love someone else and the two of you decide to
get married. However, this time the holy union includes children. When two people make
a commitment to do life together and one or both come with children from a previous
relationship it is called a blended family.
A blended family can offer experiences that are both rewarding and challenging. Joining
two separate families together as one can bring about a sense of uncertainty whether as a
stepparent or as a stepchild. Any family can have its challenges when seeking to have
harmonious relationships with one another but blending families together tends to have its
own particular struggles and triumphs. It can take years for a blended family to become
fully comfortable with one another. Not only are the new couple getting to know each other
better but relationships with biological and stepchildren can add its own complexity to the
mix. This can cause stress, worry and frustration that may leave you questioning whether
or not you can build a healthy blended family.
Blending a family is not easy and will come with its own set of growing pains but no matter
how difficult it may seem, with open communication, mutual respect, lots of love and
patience obstacles can be overcome and a bond can form. So, you may want to buckle up
and get ready for a journey that will absolutely have ups and downs but as long as you
don’t lose focus and give up it will be worth it. Here are some tips to help either prepare or
guide you through the journey of blending families.
No matter if the new parent has kids or not, having someone new enter the household can
cause disruption to the original family structure. Even if the new member(s) to the family
are awesome there is still an adjustment period because kids will still be loyal to their
biological parents. So, instead of expecting one big happy family right away, take things
slow and build relationships from the ground up individually. Stepparents and
stepchildren need to have time alone together to truly get to know them and hear their
heart. It’s important that the stepparent appreciates, values and respects who their
stepchildren are and what they like. The best way to do this is by having one on one time
without instructing, teaching, or critiquing. Allow the child to discuss whatever is on their
heart; follow their lead.
A stepparent should make it a priority to set aside a few minutes at a time, adding up to at
least an hour each week, of special time with their stepchildren. This time together offers
an opportunity for the stepparent and stepchildren to find common interests and create a
relaxed and safe space. Getting to know each individual on a more personal level can help
build a foundation that promotes a strong and loving relationship. Parenting roles and relationships will be tested but if a true commitment has been established, it will be easier to see that this too will pass.
A blended family coming together is full of transitions, from new people moving in to
possibly the back-and-forth days between biological parents. This can be tough for children
and big feelings may erupt leading to big reactions. Small incidents may push the child over
the edge, or they may try to test you and push your limits by talking back and showing
disrespect. There may be tears as the child longs to go back to the other parent’s home. As
emotions erupt it’s important to support the child by recognizing transitions are hard and
by offering eye contact and a listening ear. Allow the child to cry or share their feelings,
instead of them burying emotions. Make room for big feelings, especially during transition
times, and be willing to give the child extra attention.
Blended families have a separate past and memories without their new family members
and if reminiscing occurs it can make those who weren’t apart feel left out and like
outsiders. No one wants to feel like they don’t belong in their family because they don’t
share history, so it’s important to be intentional in making new memories. Having common
memories will build the family unit and when past memories arise create a space that
allows all members of the family to relive an older moment. As hard as it may be to hear
stories you weren’t a part of, it is still important to acknowledge that everyone has a past
filled with different experiences.
One of the best ways to not only build memories but also a sense of closeness with less
tension is laughter. Laugh together, play together, be willing to be goofy, and then trust
will follow.
One of the greatest ways to create a successful blended family is to recognize there is more
to the family than the newlyweds and kids, the ex. Oftentimes the ex of either one or both
partners will be a part of the picture as children go back and forth. This simple fact may
raise some tension in the new spouse, especially if hurt and pain was previously involved,
causing irritation and frustration. However, the best thing a stepparent can do is honor and
support the rights of the biological parent. When frustrating moments arise, keep any
negative comments or tension away from the children. No matter how much conflict a child
has witnessed all children desire their parents to be respected. A child should never be in
the middle of conflict between parents. The heart's desire of a child is for their parents to
get along and to feel loved by both. A relationship between stepparents and stepchildren
can build on a strong foundation when the biological parent is shown respect.
When a couple gets remarried without children, they can take the time to build on their
relationship, get to know each other and create a strong marital bond. However, when
newly remarried couples enter a marriage with children, couples can become more
consumed with the wellbeing of their children rather than each other. When a couple
focuses on strengthening their marriage the benefits not only affect the couple but also the
children. When children see love, respect, and open communication between parent and
stepparent there is a greater sense of security. Enjoy your marriage, have regular dates
and some alone time. Have a unified parenting approach, when children see arguing or
disagreeing, they may feel more inclined to come between the two of you.
No matter how difficult things get, remember God brought your families together for a
purpose. You are secure in His love and if He is for you, who can be against you? Don’t
stray away from His wisdom and guidance because with Him all things are possible.